I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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