Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize