So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize