Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
