he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
