and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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