So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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