I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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