i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
