Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
