i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
