Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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