i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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