Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
