Are we in a gay sports bar?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
