you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
