I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
