I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
