When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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