I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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