I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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