im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
