Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize