He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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