I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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