fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
