I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
