Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
