I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
