hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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