you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
