He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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