All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The cops high fived after they tackled you
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
