I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Randomize
