So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
