Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
