when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
