Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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