His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
There r osticjed everywhere
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize