I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
