She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize