when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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