Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It's never too late to be topless.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
