roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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