Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
