Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
