Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Send help, water and tortillas.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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