its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
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