i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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