he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
