i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
