I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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