So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
