do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
