my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
