My sheets look like a crime scene.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize