Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
