our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
