I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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