So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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