i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
