i don't like sucking hair
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize