chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
