i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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