i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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