It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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