Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
