i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
