I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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